"If you need to Crash and Burn, Then Crash and Burn, You are NOT ALONE."
"When you feel all alone And the world has turned its back on you Give me a moment please to tame your wild wild heart I know you feel like the walls are closing in on you It’s hard to find relief and people can be so cold When darkness is upon your door and you feel like you can’t take anymore
Let me be the one you call If you jump I’ll break your fall Lift you up and fly away with you into the night If you need to fall apart I can mend a broken heart If you need to crash then crash and burn You’re not alone
When you feel all alone And a loyal friend is hard to find You’re caught in a one way street With the monsters in your head When hopes and dreams are far away and You feel like you can’t face the day….”
~~”Crash and Burn”, Savage Garden
Today is going to be a stressful day. I have an exam and a lot of running around, but I am going to remember that I am wearing Purple and Green to signify whats going on. My thoughts came full circle and here is my take on the situation:
I have so many emotions towards this, one of the many reasons is because I have been to that virtual and darkest oblivion myself. I wanted to kill myself at one point in my life, all I will say is I was living my own virtual misbegotten hell. I thought I could not handle it anymore, so in a fit of unbelievable and dark disillusion, mixed with breaking down in tears…. I grabbed a butcher knife….and held it to my neck….. I was not going to waste my time with cutting my wrists, why put myself within tantalizing reach of my objective?
I held it tightly against the humble flesh of my neck, ready to just say….”Goodbye.”….. But a flash went into my head, as if my wonderland was frozen in time for a moment…. I thought about what would happen…. Everyone I would leave behind and who needed me… my family….. People I had never even met yet who might need me…. A pinch of the knife scratching woke me out of it and I inspected the blade, and in the biggest fit of rage at myself…. I screamed “What am I DOING?” and threw the blade across the room… It went point first into the wall and I had to pull it out.
It occurred to me that I was needed… I had a purpose somewhere…. Someone would need me still…. I have helped so many… just by being there to do anything before that time…. and I have helped many, saved lives….. I was destined here for a purpose…
…as is every person on this earth… we are meant here…. We need to be here…. We need to protect, inspire, create, love, live and just…Be. Please know that you are beautiful and are meant to be you, and if we weren’t meant to be us, then who are we?
But it is time to realize that if we see someone being attacked… feeling alone… bullied…. at that proverbial oblivion I was at…. We need to reach out and help.
I have been:
Run after with knives and fists….
Told to “Go kill myself, you are a waste of a human being”, “I hope you get AIDS and die in burning hell.”, “GO burn you faggot.”, and most recently…”I hope you do what that Rutger’s kid did and jump off a fucking bridge, you don’t deserve to breathe you fucking faggot, you deserved to be murdered.”
and yet… while that may cause someone to feel alone and afraid and to contemplate about doing what they say, I just look them in the eye and say….
"You are not worth my time, strength and compassion. You are just mad because you are afraid of me… because after all of the attacks, ridicule and hatred I have received in my life….even though I should not be standing…. I am. I am not afraid to deal with the hatred, ignorance, and your fear of me because of me being different… I am not willing to sit in a little hole and hide away because of your fear. I have to live my own life, even with this situation. It’s not a choice, It’s who I am. You may not see it that way, but it is my truth and my solace. I am who I am, and I will NEVER EVER hide myself to appease you, because frankly, you are not worth my hiding. I will never change to fit in the ridiculous "cookie-cutter mold" that the multitude of this world has for every human being. I hope you see the truth someday of your ignorance, and you see that you did something wrong. So now, I am going to walk away and live my life just the way I should…. and your just going to be the ignorant human being you are, because ignorance is bliss to you."
Please remember when times are tough, and if you ever need someone to talk to…. I will be here. I promise, because I have been at that point too. We all need someone to hear our cries and to be there for us. You are never alone, I promise. Let me wipe away the tears, erase all your fears, and hold you up while the world lets you down.
If you ever need anything, get ahold of me. I will listen and not judge you.
I think it’s great that we have this awareness of bullying, and that we need to do something about it, and I love that we are wearing purple for the remembrance of those that have lost their lives because of being bullied for their sexuality. One thing though is that everyone has been bullied, not only is sexuality something that is targeted. I used to get picked on because I was brown, I was fat, etc. In middle school and beginning of high school I was SUICIDAL.
So I decided, that today, October 20, 2010, not only will I be wearing purple for those that have lost their lives because of bullying due to their sexuality, but I will be wearing GREEN as well, for any other person that have lost their lives either because of their race, weight, looks, etc. Why green? Well I love green and it’s my favorite color, but it represents myself, for getting through my dark times, those days when I was suicidal and almost going through with it. This is for me! But this is for those that have lost their lives because of bullying.
You studied with Hermione. You stumbled with Ron. You hid creatures with Hagrid. You laughed with Fred and George. You fought with Voldemort. You forgot with Neville. You got caught with the DA. You rebelled against Umbridge and Snape. You cheered on Gryffindor. You kept up the rivalry with Draco Malfoy and the Slytherins. You worked with Dumbledore. You stuck with Harry til the end. Now it's nearly over, and now all you can do is remember, and thank J.K. Rowling for the time of your life.